I'm naturally an extrovert, that's the way God designed me. Even so, often my mind gets confused. I need people to feel energized, to be at my best, to communicate; but deep inside my heart cringes at the thought. There are times as an extrovert that I hate people and myself. I just want to be buried alive. There are times when I'm totally carefree or determined to do something fantastic today; likewise, there are times when the day seems black as night and everyone else doesn't care.
Today I feel too much. Today I know the end is near. Today I hurt and cry and plead with whoever will listen to forget me so I can die. Today I want the cowards way, the ultimate pity party. Today I see there is no light at the end of my tunnel. It's only today when I see the pain I cause and know that all I do is leech from the ones I love. On days like today I write so loud my throat is sore from screaming and my cheeks are chafed with tears. On days like today nothing cheers me.
I spend all day today wallowing before I reach deep inside to acknowledge I need help. I used to be the one that helped my depressed friends make it though the darkness. I am supposed to be the one who helps instead of needing help. I spend all day today crying and tearing myself apart fake virtue by fake virtue before I realize there is only One who can cure this disease.
"Jesus the very thought of thee with sweetness fills my breast, but sweeter far thy face to see and in thy presence rest. O hope of every contrite heart, O joy of all the meek, to those who fall, how kind thou art! How good to those who seek! But what to those who find? Ah, this nor tongue nor pen can show; the love of Jesus, what it is, none but his loved ones know. Jesus, our only joy be thou, as thou our prize wilt be; Jesus, be thou our glory now, and through eternity." - Text: Attr. to Bermard of Clairvaux; trans. by Edward Caswall
As I write it out I feel that much better. The darkness flees at Jesus' name. This moment, right now, as I type this into this tiny blog box I feel the pain lift slightly. I know Jesus lives and his name calms the fear and doubt and anger and hurt and pain and care and worry that clouds my puny soul. If you, reader, can attest to feeling the first two paragraphs in your own soul, feel out the words of that song above and speak them aloud. The very first word brings peace. Amen.
